Plan C did not come about easily. I didn't wake up one morning and say to myself, "I think I'd like to have a baby using artificial insemination!" No, it took time, thought and therapy.
By the time 2009 rolled around, I had earned my masters and administrative degree, gone on several solo treks across southeast Asia, and had been working on fixing my head and ridding myself of my negative patterns. I did this work with my beautiful sistrens, whom I have to thank, along with our incredible teacher, Mama Rosa, for guiding and helping me to make my decision.
Our group, Sistren Love, a spiritual women's support group started in 2007, around the time I was in crisis and coping with my break-up, among other "stuff." I worked on getting over my attachment to comfort and taking more risks in my life. Doing the "work" is why I was able to move out, get my own place, and travel the world.
The work also taught me to love myself, and not wait for anyone to love me. I had spent too much time seeking love from others and not tapping into the wealth of love I had within. For the first time in years I was single, not jumping in and out of relationships and enjoying my time with friends and most of all me.
Things were good in my life. I loved my job, had an amazing group of supportive and loving friends and family; I was healthy and happy. What else could I ask for? Well, actually, the one thing I've always longed for - a baby.
I was tormented. What to do? I wasn't in a serious relationship. I was 33. By the time I met someone, dated, fell in love, and married, I could be close to 40 before having my first child. Yikes!
In the beginning, I didn't do much, except get down when I thought about how much I wanted a baby and how far I was from motherhood. One weekend, at a gathering in Clear Lake with my sistrens, I was asked what stopped me from having a baby and fulfilling my most passionate desire. My answer: "Uh, duh, a partner and marriage, of course."
Oh really? Was the comeback. You need to have a partner and you must be married to have a child? Clearly, that is no so, though I was stuck in the "Cap & Pat" ways of life. I was letting society convince me that I had to first meet the guy, then fall in love, get married and only then could I have a baby. The "traditional" way, so to speak.
I was enlightened, inspired and a seed had been planted. I spent time getting used to the idea of having a baby on my own. I also spent much time mourning the loss of the idea that I was going to fall blissfully in love, and share this dream with a partner. I boo-hooed, let go, and moved on...
The wheels were put in motion in 2010. I visited my gynecologist for advice on how to get off the Pill, which had been a convenient friend for 15 years. Cold turkey was her suggestion. Wrong. Fail. Poor advice. For the next three months I was a wreck. I was on an emotional roller coaster, my hormones were all out of whack and I entered into weeks of depression in which I cried uncontrollably for no reason and withdrew from the outside world, all while having one of the most challenging and difficult schools years - ever.
My gynecologist had inquired as to why I was getting off the Pill. I told her I was planning to get pregnant. Because she had already asked me that list of terribly personal, sexual questions at the beginning of our meeting, she knew that I did not have a partner. She asked how I planned to get pregnant, and I told her the truth. I wasn't sure.
She was nice enough to rattle off a few options:
1. Casual sex (ie: meet and go home with someone from a bar)
2. Sex with a male friend or acquaintance that is aware of my intentions, or
3. Donor insemination.
Option #1, though possibly the easiest, cheapest and the one with the least attachment issues, was tempting. At the same time however, the health risks, level of immorality and not to mention, simply not my style, omitted this alternative as an option.
Option #2 was just too weird. I have a few close, male friends, but not ones that I'd want to raise a child with or felt comfortable asking. And in the end, I wanted this baby to be mine, free of any risk of legal custody battles or damaging a friendship.
Option #3 Donor insemination. I admit, it made me shudder at first. It was far too clinical - unnatural. Besides, wasn't that only for lesbian couples, infertile couples or spinsters? Oh wait, years ago, and in some countries still today, I qualify for the third group (hehe).
After listening to the pros and cons however, by the time I left, it was a definite possibility. Insemination ensured that the baby would be mine; no nasty custody battles. I would be able to pick my "dream" man, free of any health problems, and practice super safe sex!
It was time to do some research!
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