Soooooooo...........I'm pregnant!!!!
Can't believe I'm actually typing those words! It's really true. Trust me, I had a very difficult time getting over the shock and accepting the truth. It's getting easier, but at times I still find myself in a state of disbelief.
Exactly two weeks following my egg transfer in Barbados, I laid tossing and turning in bed, staring at the red digits of my bedside clock, willing the hours to pass so I could get up and take a pregnancy test. 2am...3am....4am, and then a call from the clinic in Barbados. A nurse with a sweet, gentle voice asks how everything went. I explained to her that it was only 4am in SF and that I hadn't tested yet. She apologized and said she'd call back in a few hours.
After the phone call, there wasn't a chance my body was getting any rest. I decided since the transfer was in Barbados and they're three hours ahead, it was technically and officially two weeks since the transfer. No more waiting. I got out of bed, headed to the bathroom and opened the wrapper of the Clear Blue Easy pregnancy test I left on my sink counter the night before.
Sitting on the toilet, I said a quick prayer, took a deep breath and let loose on the blue and white plastic wand. Geez, I didn't realize how much I had to go! Not able to control the flow, urine splashed into the window that displays the positive/negative reading. I freaked out remembering that the test urged too not over saturate the test strip. I carefully shake off droplets of urine into the toilet and lean over to place the test on the sink counter when my heart stops and jaw drops. I stop breathing for a moment as a light blue + materializes in the window. I stare dumbfounded thinking this is too soon, it hasn't been 3 minutes, as the instructions indicate to wait. But the light blue positive symbol is now a dark royal blue, there's no mistaking the symbol.
Holy shit, I'm pregnant!? My fingers tremble as I set the test down, finish up my business on the toilet, wash my hands and stare again at the test. I decide to wait the official 3 minutes like the directions state. I need to do this correctly. I go back to my room, lay down and stare at the ceiling, my heart thumping. I let more than 3 minutes pass before I get up and return to the bathroom.
The bright blue cross is there, as clear as day. I pick up the test, clean and recap it, and sit on the toilet clutching the test to my chest as tears well up in my eyes. Immense joy overcomes me. A rush of relief washes over me as I realize my body is healthy and able to bear a child. I return to my bedroom with the test and place it on my bedside table. Again, I stare at the ceiling...for probably an hour, tears streaming from my eyes, pooling in my ears. I am a pinwheel of emotions, spinning around and around - joy, happiness, relief, shock, disbelief, anxiety - over and over again.
As I get stuck in disbelief, I find myself returning to the bathroom, removing another Clear Blue Easy Test from the box under my sink and tearing it open. What if I peed too much on the last one? What if was a false positive? I need to do another test. I sit down on the toilet and focus on controlling the flow this time so that it is steady and only flowing on to the test trip. After 5 seconds, I carefully pull the test up, and again as with the first, the blue cross appears before I can even set the test down. Unbelievable!
The tears commence. I return to the bedroom, place the second test next to the first on my bed stand and cuddle into my covers. My mind is blank. One would think my mind would have been racing with thoughts, but it was quite the opposite. At a standstill, halted in the midst of nothingness. I laid in bed as the sun rose, changing the colors across the ceiling and walls.
And then the phone calls and texts began...first the clinic with congratulations and directions on next steps and prescriptions to reorder. Then, texts from my Barbados confidants who knew my timeline to the tee. I could hardly believe I was announcing that I was pregnant; especially after sharing so many past disappointments.
In fact, for a good two weeks following the blessed day, I continued to sway between shadows of doubt, disbelief and shock. Even after sharing the good news with a few other close friends I still had a difficult time believing I was pregnant. To help convince myself, I bought more pregnancy tests and continued to test just about every other day. Thankfully, the little blue cross continued to appear.
Not only did shock and disbelief plague me, but worry and anxiety sat on my other shoulder. I was paranoid day in and day out that something was going to happen and that one day that little blue cross wouldn't appear or I would get some kind of terrible sign - bleeding or severe abdominal cramps - indicating that there was a problem.
Geesh! For a girl who has been trying to get pregnant for nearly two years, you'd think I would have been on cloud nine, skipping gaily throughout my days and grinning ear to ear. Hardly! Instead, I was a messy worry wart full of fear and doubt. I tried real hard to push those thoughts out and to focus on being positive and hopeful. I had my moments. But most often, all the horror stories I'd heard in the past, of women getting positive pregnancy results and days later finding out their hormone levels didn't rise indicating a loss, came streaming back.
Fortunately, almost a week after my positive pregnancy test, I received the results of my blood tests - two within 24 hours. My hormone levels had rose - significantly! Yay! I think that was the first sigh of relief I took in a week. The next was my first ultrasound, a special day in which I got to see the little one on screen and to see the flickering of the heart - so very fast, like the wings of a hummingbird. It warmed my heart to see the life inside and assured me that there was truly a soul within.
Then, a week later, I went in for a full prenatal evaluation and had yet another ultrasound. Clearly, the little one had grown signficantly and the doc said all looked good. And get this - I got to hear the heartbeat!!! I was so thankful my "partner" Chrissy asked if it was a possibility and we were told it's not always possible this early, but we were lucky! I laid on the exam table, watching the wave of the heartbeat raise and lower rhythmically. The beat was quick, 150bpm, and sounded as if it was under water - well, I guess it sort of was, haha! I coundn't fight the tears. They were tears of supreme joy. No words can explain how sensational it was to see and hear the life growing in me.
With each visit and each day that passes, I feel more assured that this pregnancy is going to be a healthy one. Sure, I still have moments of paranoia and worry, though as I count the days and weeks and get closer to graduating from my first trimester, I am more confident. And it truly feels wonderful to announce: "I'M PREGNANT!!!"
We did it!!!
Thanks, everyone.
xoxo
