Mother's Day

Argh, I've just lost two days of work!  Realizing I had not blogged in some time, I sat down to get caught up.  After working for several hours, one slight graze of the wrong key, and "POOF," everything was lost!  Well, no use crying over spilled milk.  I got a lot to say, I better get started!

Soon after my last blog, I enjoyed a lovely Sunday celebrating Mother's Day with my mom.  I took her to brunch at the same place where, nearly one year ago, I revealed to her that I had decided to have a baby on my own.  That was a huge day for me.  I had wanted for several months to tell her and chickened out each time.  Some how in between the last course and dessert, this time around, I worked up the courage to tell my mother.  Yes, I told my mother - one of the most opinionated, old-school minded, (shh - Republicans), I know.

I carried the fear of her expected opinions with me for several months.  I was worried she would frown upon the idea of raising a child on my own, call me crazy and not support my decision.  Boy, was I off the mark!  Instead of the reaction I had played out in my head, my hard-headed mother looked at me and said, "I think you are going to be a wonderful mother."  No judgment, no preaching, no evil eye or raise of an eyebrow.  I was floored.  I fought back tears, as did she.

From the opposite end of the table, my mother, delivered nothing but love, support and encouragement.  She mentioned that she kinda figured I may take this sort of action, knowing how much I've always wanted children.  She got a bit ahead of her self and said I could move home, and we would clean out the second bedroom for baby.  Yikes, one step at a time!  I could tell she was ready for grandchildren. 

Almost one year later, sitting in the same restaurant, not too far from the same table, I celebrated the wonderfully loving and supportive mother I've been blessed with.  Though she doesn't check in with me every step of the way, I think she's able to read me well and doesn't ask too many questions.  She knows that I am actively trying to get pregnant, though she doesn't pry.  I know this is not the way she envisioned having a grandchild, and I know that it's difficult for her to understand the choices I make throughout this journey.

I am so proud of my mother.  She respects and supports my decision and I am grateful she has had just the right amount of involvement - not too nosey and burdensome, and at the same time she doesn't pretend like it's not happening.  I think it's appropriate then, that I write this blog today, on Father's Day, as my mother for the most of my life, was my mother and my father.  It is her independence, strong will and drive that has shaped me into the women I have become today.
  
While I honored and admired my mother this past Mother's Day, I struggled to fight the jealous demons from within as well.  As I sat in the restaurant, dining with my mother, I was surrounded by mothers.  After all it was Mother's Day.  There were mother's young and old.  And it was the one's holding their young babies that were the most difficult to see.  Honestly, I had expected to be pregnant by now. Seeing the mother's with their young-ins was just an ugly reminder that I still wasn't pregnant.

The very next day, I took steps to change all that...