Searching for my first donor was difficult, yet exciting and invigorating. Searching for my second donor was a bit more challenging and troublesome. Having to search for yet another donor, a third time around, was discouraging and overwhelming. I had more or less memorized PRS' donor catalog and knew that my options were slim. That meant I needed to branch out and discover what other sperm banks had to offer. The task at hand was daunting and caused me much anxiety.
In my time of crisis and amidst panic attacks, my sistrens came to my rescue, yet again. Sistren Sandy offered to rally the troops to help out. She disseminated the information (no pun intended, haha) to the sistren crew, so as to relieve me of having to explain it a gazillion and one times. I prepared for her a list of five sperm banks I wanted researched and provided a list of criteria I was seeking in a donor.
My list of criteria had been modified significantly since the first round draft and even the second. When I initially started my search for bachelor #1, almost a year ago, I had a loooooong laundry list of "qualifications" that my donor needed to meet. I was rather adamant that the donor meet most, if not all bullet points listed on my clipboard. It was as if each donor I perused was undergoing an interview.
6310 was the lucky guy who got the job. Unfortunately, he didn't pan out. After four attempts with 6310, I reconsidered my "qualifications," and I guess you can say, lowered my standards and took off a few specifications, like height, weight and interests. I decided upon 5696, as his on-line video warmed my heart and his teddy-bear appearance won me over. I was totally content with 5696 and if I hadn't been told he reached his family limit, I would have continued further with bachelor #2.
For this third (and hopefully final) round draft, I was keeping it simple. That long check list was thrown out the window and was now down to a mere two requirements: the donor had to be 1. willing to be known and 2. multi-racial. That's it, nothing more. Pretty reasonable, wouldn't you say? You'd think that would make my job easier. Hardly. Finding a multi-racial donor is difficult in itself, as most banks' donors are predominately white. On top of that, the majority of donors at the largest banks are anonymous.
While I dealt with my emotional drama, popped birth control pills each night (prepping for hormone treatment), and suffered through the end of the school year events and report cards, my sistrens went to work. When Sandy finally sent me the list of potential donors, collected by my sistrens, my heart sank. With the exception of 4-5 detailed descriptions (which was totally helpful), the list was a bunch of numbers. Numbers were useless. I still needed to visit the site, punch in the donor numbers and read the profiles. This wasn't saving me any time. On top of that, only three of the five banks had been researched. Furthermore, as I spent hours punching in the donor numbers and reading their profiles, I discovered that more than half on the list were anonymous donors!
What the French!? Didn't I have a mere TWO requirements??? Multi-racial and WTBK!!! That's it, I thought I was making it simple! Why did my sistrens suggest anonymous donors??? Immediately I felt disappointed, let down and betrayed. Didn't they know how important this was to me??? For goodness sake, I'm making a BABY!!! I'm not simply choosing curtains, this is a BABY!!!
I then scolded myself for letting go of control, delegating and allowing others to do my job. I've always been one to do things myself, cause I know the job will get done and will be done properly. I was so proud of myself for letting go and giving up my control-freak attitude and now I was damning myself for doing so. I went into hibernation, spent a ridiculous number of hours researching the lost banks and more WTBK donors.
In my head I was mad, though I knew that my sistrens would never let me down purposely. Surely they weren't as familiar with searching sperm banks as I am (Clearly I am a pro now). Unbeknownst to me, they weren't communicating with each other as they were researching. This led to everyone researching the top three banks on the list, and no one getting to the banks at the bottom of the list. As I slowly crept out of hiding, I admitted my upset and disappointed feelings to my sistrens and it was suggested that we research together, with our laptops, like we did a year ago, when looking for bachelor #1.
Soon after, on an early June evening, my girls came over, laptops in hand, prepared to hunt down bachelor #3. There were so many decisions to be considered. Should I stick with PRS, despite knowing they have a limited selection? Do I branch out to a sperm bank further away and suck up the shipping costs? And if I do, would I have time to register and go through all the paperwork before my next cycle??? Also, should I stop considering only donors with pictures??? In the beginning donors with pictures seemed to be a plus - it was easy to rule out the ones I didn't like. At the same time, I was ruling them out left and right and whittling down my options. Good grief! My poor sistrens! I'm giving myself a headache just listening to my battery of quandaries. Sistrens, you all deserve a medal for dealing with me!
At the end of the evening, after going back and forth, I had decided to stick with PRS. That left me with three potential donors to consider at PRS, only one of which had a photo (who oddly and awkwardly resembles one of my cousins). So I had decided also, to consider donors without photos. Our work was done. I had three potentials to choose from.
Done deal, right? Nope. Even after the sistrens packed up for the evening and for several days later, a feeling in my gut did not sit right. I couldn't bring myself to choose one. I wasn't partial to one more than another. Not a single one of them tickled my fancy. I was settling. And not like I did for 5696. Sure, I let go of some requirements when I decided on him. But he felt right. These guys didn't. Time was of the essence. I needed to make a decision, my next cycle was quickly approaching.
What to do? Should I just toss their numbers in a hat and randomly choose? Of course not, that's ridiculous. But honestly, the way I felt about each of them, it didn't seem to matter. And truly, if it doesn't matter, why am I even choosing one??? I'm making a BAAAAAAAABY!!!! It NEEEEEEEDS to matter!!! In my gut and in my heart I knew I couldn't choose one of these guys.
And I didn't.
Instead, I pulled THE ballsiest move ever. Ever. Ever. As in my lifetime.
The way the events of the next two weeks fell into place was amazingly eerie, spiritually powerful and down right miraculous....
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