All the Good Ones are Taken

It's been a rough week.  And it's only Thursday.  I sit, sipping a glass of wine, to relax the mind.


Yeah, I said it - wine.  First glass in over two weeks.  You know what that means.  Not pregnant.


After waiting anxiously, like a child awaiting Christmas, I took a home pregnancy test 13 days post insemination.  Negative.  The results didn't surprise me.  I didn't feel any different from previous attempts, so I kinda expected a negative reading (though I was still hopeful, of course).  I carried on with my day and enjoyed a sad, yet pleasant Easter Sunday with my mom.


The next day, after wasting a perfectly good pantie liner and not getting my period all day, I decided to take another pregnancy test.  The test I used the day before, though unused, had been opened.  It was in a box of pass-me-downs from a gal in my support group who got pregnant and clearly didn't need them anymore.  I wondered how old the test was and questioned its validity.  I stopped at Walgreens on my way home and picked up another box, yipping with glee when they were on sale (those suckers are expensive!)  Again, the test was negative.  Ok, well at least I'm sure now...or so I thought.  


Tuesday morning, Aunt Flo still hadn't arrived.  What's going on, I wondered?  I've been clocking my periods pretty much down to the hours these days.  I'm past due.  Did I take the previous two tests too early?  The doctors say to not test until two weeks after the insemination.  Technically, that would be today, Tuesday.  Throughout the day, each visit to the bathroom I am more and more stunned.  I begin to say a short prayer before wiping each time, hoping to not see a sign of red.  By the end of the school day, I entertain an ounce of hope.  


That evening I took a third test - still negative.  Wednesday morning, still no period.  Ok, so confused now.  I'm now three days late.  I'm feeling teased and toyed with.  It's not until just before bedtime, Wednesday night, that Aunt Flo arrives, on day 32 of my cycle - the longest cycle I've since recorded.  Whoa, what happened there?  My cycles have been 28 days for the last few months.  Whatever.  At least now I'm positive - positively not pregnant.               


So...next steps.  Prepare for #7!  On my to-do list, was a note to call PRS, the sperm bank, to order a few more vials, as I only had one left.  The one I had left was a washed sperm vial, for IUI inseminations performed at clinics only.  I needed to purchase an ICI non-washed sperm vial - the kind you can use to inseminate at home.  


If round #6 didn't pan out, then Mama Rosa and the Sistrens were going to honor me by performing a ceremony and helping to take part in a "hands-on" sort of way, if you now what I mean (wink, wink), in the next insemination - oh yeah, we're that tight!  An at home ceremony and insemination was agreed upon and I set out today to purchase the proper sperm to use at home.  


Before calling the bank, I debated whether to purchase additional IUI vials, just in case round #7 didn't work.  Then I turned around and punished myself for not having faith in the ceremony.  Or, what if I did both for the next cycle - one at home and one at the clinic?  Again, shame on me for thinking that ceremony and Spirit won't follow through.  I was stuck in my head for sometime, arguing the Science vs. Ceremony debate before I actually picked up the phone.  Even then, I hadn't settled on a decision.


My decision was soon made for me.  I was informed that my donor didn't have any vials available.  Once again, all his vials were in quarantine - this time, until June.  Didn't I just go through this, I asked?  Indeed, prior to my last purchase, I had to wait two months to receive vials, as my donor's sperm was being quarantined for the required six months of testing.  "He's quite a popular guy," commented Kathleen on the other end of the phone.  Seriously?  Of the pages and pages of donors available, the ladies like my guy?  Why are the good ones ALWAYS taken???  


Well, I go ahead and pre-purchase an additional IUI vial (not available till June) and thank my lucky stars that I still have one more vial at the Kaiser clinic.  Guess ceremony is out and I'll be having the next insemination at Cap & Pat's office.  I'm sad.  I'm also a little worried that I don't have any back-up vials...


A few hours later my phone rings, identifying PRS as the caller.  Automatically, I'm concerned.  Again, my gut is right.  I'm told that my donor has been taken off the donor list and is unavailable.  Say what!?  I've been dumped!?  By a donor!?  HUH?  Kathleen explains that 5696 has reached his limit and his vials are now reserved for siblings only.  I feel rejected and betrayed, as if my partner has truly left me for another woman.  


I get a little pissy with Kathleen, explaining that I just purchased a vial today, and question why she can't honor the purchase.  She's not budging - this is their policy.  A policy that I highly respected, so much in fact, that I decided to deal with PRS instead of other banks I was considering.  PRS states that once a donor reaches 10 reported pregnancies, his vials are reserved for only the families who used his sperm to get pregnant, should they decide to have siblings.  I appreciated and admired this policy, as other banks did not limit their donor's pregnancies.  If I had chosen one of those banks, my child could potentially have had an indefinite number of siblings in the country, if not the world.


I come to terms with the disappointing news.  I am bitter, frustrated and jealous of the ladies who got my guy.  After hanging up, I feel an overwhelming burden weigh upon me instantaneously.  Holy crap, do I need to start all over again???  Do I need to go back to the drawing board and research donors AGAIN!?  Oh, please no, that was one of the most time consuming, heart wrenching, troubling decisions I've ever had to make!  I so don't want to go through that again!!!


I pace my classroom, trying to calm myself and get level headed.  Ok, I remind myself, I still have one vial on reserve.  Perhaps that is the ONE!  Oh shoot, but wait!  I planned to store extras in case I decided I wanted to have a full sibling for my baby.  Doh!  Back to square one.  DO I REALLY NEED TO HUNT DOWN ANOTHER DONOR???  This is inconceivable!  Didn't I decide to go the donor route over a year ago because I couldn't find a decent enough IN-THE-FLESH guy???  Now I can't even land a donor???  AHHHH!  


I am outraged.  I am aggravated.  I am crushed.  I am disheartened.  I weep.  


What does it all mean?  As always, I seek the message and/or lesson in every obstacle I encounter on this journey.  What is Creator trying to tell me now?  


Is my seventh and final vial the "ONE?"  Need I not worry about purchasing other vials?  Perhaps baby is to be an only child, like me?  


And if #7 doesn't work?  Is it Creator's way of telling me 5696 wasn't "my guy" after all?  


Or, considering the bigger picture, perhaps this is Creator's way of telling me this isn't the way I'm to do things at all?  Maybe my in-the-flesh Prince Charming is on his way after all?  


Why the set backs?  Why all the stalling?  Why the stumbling blocks?  Why?  Why?  Why?


Geez, maybe that needs to be my lesson - stop asking why.


Ugh, so that's where I'm at.  Just another day in the life of a mommy wannabe...