"Psst!" It's lunch time. A co-worker beckons for me as she catches me exiting my classroom. With a serious look and the 'ole mysterious head nod, she gestures for me to follow her into her classroom. She shoos my student teacher away. I know something's up.
In the darkened privacy of her classroom she faces me and says, "I wanted you to hear this from me first." The stern look on her face tells me I'm about to hear something that may ruin my appetite. "Deana is pregnant...four and half months...twins." She tells me slowly, allowing each bit of the increasingly shocking information to settle in and digest before revealing the cherry on top. She proceeds to explain that Deana has been trying to get pregnant using donor sperm, just like me, and was finally successful with IVF.
Omph! I feel my head sway back with the weight of the heavy news. Seriously? Didn't I just go through this? Am I an extra in the movie Groundhog Day??? Ok, no worries, I can get through this. I just survived the worst case scenario, right? One of my closest Sistrens getting pregnant? Eh, this is just a co-worker, I can get through this. Nothing in comparison!
I pick my lower jaw up off the ground and we carry on to the staff lounge. As we walk the short distance, I wonder, "What are the odds? Really? Someone else on my staff, going through the same thing? And she's pregnant? Damn!" I'm puzzled. I'm pissed. I'm piecing everything together.
Sitting in the lounge, having lunch, who waltzes in to make copies? Deana, of course. Mind you the copy machine at our school is equivalent to an office's water cooler. Gossip galore lingers over paper, toner and collated copies. As her copies spit out the machine, she announces to the munching staff members she is indeed pregnant...four and half months...with twin girls. Shock, joy, excitement, praise, hugs and giggles commence.
Damn! Why couldn't that be me??? The jealous, envious, looking for approval little girl in me wants the same attention and acknowledgement! Once again, my thunder is stolen! A huge part of me wants to shout out, "Me too! I'm doing the same! I could be pregnant RIGHT NOW!!!"......Oh wait. The good little angel on my other shoulder reminds me that I would be stealing Deana's thunder if I blabbed all that. That's right. This is her time. You'll get yours, T. Patience.
Boisterous, bold and out-spoken as she is, Deana carries on to broadcast the details. She disseminates (no pun intended, haha) the information across the lounge from copier to lunch tables. 39 years old, summer time, sperm donor, IUI, IVF, blah, blah, blah. I act surprised, congratulate her, quiz her on how many times she tried and turn back to eat my chicken pot pie.
Three times and one IVF.
Hmm....Now I've more to chew on than just my chicken, peas and carrots. I muddle over in my mind the number of times I've tried. The number of times she's tried. Her age. My age. Her doctor's. My doctor's. Her health. My health. (Ridiculous, I know.) I start to wonder...should I go straight to IVF??? She said the three IUI's were, "A complete waste of time!" Gee, come to think of it...so were mine! In fact, so were the first FIVE!!!
Ack!!! Cinnamon! Peanut Butter! (sorry, inside Sistren joke). STOP! I tell myself to get out of my head. After finishing my lunch, I send out an email and tell the Sistrens I need a check in. Time to make sure I deal with this and don't internalize it.
At the end of the day, I'm alright. Just another obstacle, bump in the road, a hiccup. I'm back on track and focusing on what's most important - #6, not the first five, or #7 or #10 (though we all hope they're won't be;). I went in for IUI #6 last Monday and I'm currently playing the waiting game.
Everything went smoothly. I picked up the swimmers two weeks prior to my insemination, so as to avoid last month's mishap. I was a little freaked out when Crystal, the office manger at the sperm bank, smiled, waved and said, "Tania, I'll be right with you!" Oh great, we're on first name basis now. Sure, it's swell that I'm getting a little personal attention...and at the same time, it also goes to show how many times I've been to their office! Yikes!
As I waited for my little swimmers in the waiting room, I looked upon three women, two clearly a lesbian couple, another sitting on her own, (as I once did), all looking through the enormous binders filled with donor profiles. Wow. What a reminder. It felt like ages ago that I sat in the same chairs, pondering over profiles, taking notes, debating over donors. I was so excited for them. And I felt proud. Proud of myself. Look how far I've come!
At that moment, Crystal reentered the waiting room and set down my box of swimmers. As she confirmed my donor's number on the envelope, I feel the gaze of three sets of eyes on me. I smile and thank Crystal and tell her I'll see her in a few hours to return the tank. I look back to the eager women who are all smiles. Sizing up my box of swimmers, that the reaches the height of my thigh, one of the ladies says to me, "Wow, looks like you've got a caged animal in there!" Lady, I think, you have no idea! They wish me luck, as I do the same to them.
Everything at Kasier SF, later that afternoon went well. I brought my iPod, meditated while waiting in the exam room, felt comfortable and relaxed with the physician performing the insemination, and laid back and "relaxed" a bit more after the procedure;) It's been a week since the insemination and my body has reacted similarly after past inseminations. Crampy the first few days and then back to "normal." Only time will tell.
In the meantime, I'll continue to don my superhero cape and fight the battles that get thrown in my direction. Every challenge that brings me down only makes me stronger, after all. And of course, I'm always looking for the lessons in each troubling time. In this case, I feel some relief. In the back of my mind, I've been wondering how my staff would react to the news of my pregnancy. How much should I reveal? Today's experience taught me to not worry.
Now that Deana was the icebreaker, and witnessing the acceptance, joy and admiration she received from our staff, I feel safe knowing that when my time comes, I'll revel in the same bliss, blessings and best wishes. Ok, so I won't be the trailblazer in alternative pregnancy methods at my school site. Oh well, guess I can live with that. I've got other things to focus on - like getting pregnant!
Finally, I'd like to give a shout out to my girl Jeanette, who has been my rock not only seven hours of the school day, but throughout this journey. She has been my shoulder, my logical mind when my own is twisted and stuck, she has been my confidant, my savior and therapist. It was she who hustled me into her classroom and had the good sense to arm me with tools to deal with the potentially damaging information before releasing me onto the vicious school grounds. This blog may have been terribly different had I heard the news first from Deana's loose lips. Thankfully, J prepared and protected me. She deserves a cape too!
Now that we're over that road block, let's get on with the waiting game. What'd ya say? Tick...tick...tick...
***Some character names have been changed to protect their identity***
Hehe, did that sound official, or what!?
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