Wow, what a bummer that last post was! I just got finished re-reading my last entry and geesh, whatta party pooper! Thankfully, that day and those troubling emotions seem ages ago. In fact, it truly was quite some time ago - three months ago!
Why the long absence from blogging? A few reasons. One, as I stated in my last blog, I really had no Plan B...or perhaps I should say "Plan Z," by now. I truly didn't know whether I was going to try again.
On the drive home from work, the day after the terrible toilet incident, I received a call from Yvette at Kaiser. (Yvette is my new BFF - she books my appointments, dishes out advice and follows up with me after my inseminations, as she was doing on this particular day.) She was calling to inform me that the doctors had met to discuss my plan and they had "approved" me for another go, with a slightly different plan, should I not be pregnant on this round. Still unsure whether I wanted to proceed, but rather intrigued by this new plan, I booked a consultation for the following day.
When checking in for my appointment, the clerk requested the standard $127 for the baseline sonogram. My mind still wavering, I didn't want to fork over the dough just yet and requested to speak with my doctor first. Since a nurse practitioner was scheduled to perform my baseline sonogram, the clerk suggested I speak with her. No, I wanted to speak to my doctor. Well, this just about sent the entire office into a tailspin. Kaiser is so accustomed to treating their patients like cash cows, that when one actually exercises their rights, they get flustered and frenzied.
In my doctor's office, he explains that they would like to proceed with a "mini-flare," opposed to a "flare," which I just completed. What this meant is that I would start the injections immediately, instead of taking the birth control pills first, which had apparently quieted my ovaries down - practically putting them to sleep. For the first round of injections, this was a safe and conservative way to go - and probably the smartest way to get started, as who knows how my body could have reacted to the drugs. Now that is was clear I wasn't super fertile and producing a few dozen eggs, the docs felt it was safe to try again, full throttle.
Feeling uplifted and full of promise yet again, I am on board and following my doctor into the sonogram room at the end of the hallway. The sonogram shows a healthy uterus and that I have a few eggs growing on each side. The doc prescribes the same dosage of Lupron, Menopur and Estridiol and tells me to return in a few days for my next sonogram.
For the next two weeks, I give myself my nightly injection, visit Kaiser for my regular sonograms and tell no one. Still hurt from the last lone insemination, I convince myself it's best to do this one on my own. That way, I can't have such high expectations of anyone. Guess it was also the stubborn, rebellious, teenager in me saying, "I don't need you, I can do this on my own!"
Two weeks later, it's insemination time! Yup, that quick. The turn around time was awesome. Not like having to wait a whole month when I used to count days, take my temperature daily and pee on a stick to track my ovulation. Nope, the drugs and docs had complete control of my reproductive system. With the turn around time being so snappy, it was easy to fly under the radar and no one even thought to ask if I was going to try again.
Well, I did tell one person. My teacher. And it wasn't until the day of my insemination, just moments before pulling into the Kaiser parking lot. Why did this rebellious teenager buckle? The Work. For the last few weeks, my teacher had been forcing me - no, helping me - to feel my emotions. I had entered into a dark pattern of not feeling my emotions, suppressing them deep down and telling myself that everything was hunky dory. Not allowing my emotions to surface was my way of dealing and saying, "See, I'm ok. I'm holding it together." But truly, I wasn't ok.
I was finally making some progress and beginning to trust The Work. I needed to tell my teacher so that I wasn't doing this entirely on my own - like I did the last time. That was another pattern I needed to break - trying to do everything on my own, not asking for help.
My teacher is another reason for the long three month hiatus from blogging. I was banned from blogging and only allowed to journal - physically with paper and pen. Blogging IS my therapy, I complained when I was given orders. Yes, but you screen your thoughts and focus too much on grammar and punctuation was her response. She wanted me to scribble, scratch, scorn my emotions into paper and then burn it, if necessary. Despite my argument that this blog is pretty darn raw with emotion, I must admit, the physical act of gripping a pen and allowing the thoughts to release through its point was quite empowering. In the last few months, I've learned a lot about myself, how take care of myself and how to communicate my needs effectively. The power of the pen - wow.
Fortunately there was no toilet drama this time around. I had come a long way since the previous month, worked on dealing with my emotions instead of containing them and was in a better place. When Yvette called to perform her regular follow up call, I didn't even cry, wail or complain when she said the doctors suggest a month off. I knew. It was time for a break. I had been toying with the idea of taking a break and when Yvette shared the news, I was sure of it then. I was sad, yet I knew it was time to finish what I had started. I needed to keep working on myself.
So the month off turned into two months off. Not at the recommendation of the docs, just because. Because I needed it. My gut told me so. I delved into a world free of baby stress, anxiety, injections and hospitals. I embraced change, and sought out ways to express my creativity. I had an insatiable appetite to dance, exercise, use my hands, and expand my neural pathways. I hit the gym, no longer worried about jostling my precious eggs around. I welcomed back my waistline, free of hormones and bloating. I attended trainings and workshops to become a Hot Hula instructor, allowing me the opportunity to teach dance in a fun, relaxed way. I dusted off the sewing machine, made my Halloween costume and have fabric lined up to make my next quilt. The sense of artistry and expression is allowing me to finally feel the emotions I bottled up for so long.
I feel healthy, balanced, peaceful and hopeful. Yoga has been a great outlet for me. Breathing has been a joy. I never thought I could enjoy the act of simply sitting and breathing. Acupuncture has been amazing for me as well. Now three months into a weekly, one hour session, I undoubtedly feel the results. A sense of calm, serenity and ease has come over me. Life is simple, effortless. Ahhhhh.
These two months off have been just what the doctor ordered - or not ordered for that matter. As I ease into my next cycle, the anxiety and stress have attempted to creep back into my life, though I am doing my best to not let it overcome me. As I planned a few weeks ago to order my swimmers and pick it up to deliver to Kaiser, I felt a sense of anxiety rush over me. Though once I physically set out accomplish the task, I realized the stress was all in my head. The order and delivery were accomplished without a hitch.
Today I visited Kaiser for my baseline sonogram. Other than showing a healthy uterus, my right ovary is host to three eggs, while my left ovary is yielding 5. Not a terrible grand total, though I was hoping for a few more. I return Thursday, on my birthday, for a progress check. I'll be wishing for a few more eggs to appear that may have been playing hide n seek today.
I started my injections this evening as well. As with the other formalities, some stress and anxiety swirled in my head, holding me back from piercing the syringe into my belly. Once done however, I giggled, it was over in no time - all in my head, once again. My head - seems to be one of my biggest challenges - more challenging then any of this baby-making stuff has been.
Luckily, I am not the same girl who cried into her hands, perched on a toilet, a few months ago. I am in a better place physically, mentally and emotionally. Here's to hoping that this peace and harmony infuses every cell of my body and helps to create an attractive, nurturing home for baby.
amen.
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