Saturated in Sadness

Once again my gut has proven correct.  Not preggers. 

Christmas may be over, yet the Grinch still resides within.  Yup, I'm still grumpy, disenchanted, and above all, sad.  Simply sad.  Sure, I've made my way out from the depths of my bed covers, mingled with friends (a bit), and have done my best to get out and enjoy my winter break.  Though through it all, my heart is heavy, my spirit depleted and sadness runs its course throughout my veins.  I see this as progress, however.  Whereas I once blocked my emotions, and did not allow myself to "feel," I view all this current boo-hooing, sniffles and heavy sighing as progress.  

Day to day I allow the sadness to meander throughout my body.  It sits heavy upon my chest, before working its way to the depths of my belly, wringing itself into tight knots, making me sick to my stomach.  On its way to my head, sadness lingers in my kidneys, replenishing itself, infiltrating my blood.  Finally, sadness finds its way through my constricted throat, weakens my mind, and wells up behind my eyes, where finally it is released in droplets of tears.

I have so much sadness within that it is sometimes overwhelming.  I am sad I am not pregnant.  I am sad I have been trying for 14 months to become pregnant.  I am sad I have tried 10 times to conceive.  I am sad I have spent thousands of dollars on sperm, doctors visits and medications.  I am sad I may need to move on to IVF.  I am sad I do not have the money to finance IVF.  I am sad having to share and relive this over and over.  I am sad for my comrades who travel a similar journey to my own and feel the same suffering I do.  I am sad each and every time I hear of another failed attempt.  Sadness has found its home in me.

After spotting for two days, I finally got my period yesterday.  I went to Kaiser today for my baseline sonogram.  I'm going through with one more medicated cycle.  I'm not exactly sure when I made that decision.  I'm not sure I even made the decision consciously.  In response to some sort of rote behavior, I picked up the phone and called Kaiser as soon as I washed up and discovered I'd gotten my period.  Guess I've gotten so accustomed to doing so.

On my way to the appointment today, sadness worked its way through my body and revealed itself yet again.  I tried to push it all out in the parking lot before heading upstairs.  I may have been directed to the psych ward had anyone seen the distressing state I was in.  But sadness fought hard today.  Again it made its way to the surface in the waiting room.  I had to stop reading my girl's blog detailing the tragic results of her last attempt.  It was too much.  It was no wonder the nurse practitioner handed me a flier for a "Mind-Body" wellness infertility class at the closure of our meeting.  Guess I'm officially "infertile."  Woo hoo, do I get another medal?

Well if sadness made its way to my eggies, I'm unsure.  All looked normal.  Eight potentials on the left and five-ish on the right.  Looks like we're back to strength in numbers on the left side - pretty typical except for that last cycle in which the big guys were on the right.  I headed out the door with $800 in meds.  Whoa!  That's an all time record!  The steep increase was because the docs decided to up my dosage to three vials of Menapur  (egg stimulant) from two vials.  In addition, the NP doubled the prescription in case I need to turn to IVF next.  The reason being - all IVF procedures and meds are not covered under my insurance.  So really, she was hooking me up.  She didn't have to and I appreciate that she was looking out for me.  I had to suck it up and pay the big bucks, and if it turns out I'll need the drugs, then it will have been for the best.

Has the word "crazy" come to your mind yet?  If so, I understand.  I've had many moments where I too simply shake my head and wonder if I've crossed into the crazy zone.  Perhaps I really do need to spend some time in a psych ward?  Am I crazy to try this hard to get pregnant?  Am I crazy to spend all this money?  Am I crazy to even consider IVF, a treatment I can barely afford?  Perhaps.  Though, thanks to my savior, *S, my sistah also using 5696, she has reminded me that though this whole bureaucratic process may be crazy, I  am not crazy.  It is not crazy to want a child.  What is crazy is that clinics and doctors have capitalized on infertility.  It is a money making business run by CAP & PAT. 

Let's stick with the crazy talk.  If you don't already think I'm crazy, just wait to you hear what I've been looking into...IVF in Thailand.  Yup, that's right.  Medical treatment across international boundaries.  Now that's crazy, right!?  Well, I've always thought so, anyway.  I'm one to always raise an eyebrow when I hear reports of women going across the border to get a tummy tuck or breast enhancements.  Certainly the costs are much cheaper, but how about the quality of care and the state of the medical equipment and clinic?  Trust me, I'm taking much into consideration and I've only spent a few hours researching.  I've still got a long way to go.  But really, if all pans out, I could take a well needed vacay and get pregnant - for 1/3 the cost!  Yup, IVF is only about $5000 in Thailand, whereas it's anywhere from 13-20K in the US!  Now that's crazy!

In the short time that I've been researching, I've discovered that there are very few IVF clinics in the Bay Area.  I could stick with Kaiser, though I would need to travel to Fremont as that's the only Kaiser location that provides IVF treatment.  And, I would not be at any other advantage as my insurance does not cover a dime of IVF treatment.  Yes, lucky me, since I live in the state of California, infertility is not covered by insurance.  There are a handful of companies that make exceptions, however.  So, unless I want to quit my job and work for Chevron or Williams Sonoma, I'll have to pay out of pocket. 

I've got my eye on three or four clinics, should I need to take the IVF plunge.  While I proceed with this next medicated cycle, I will continue to research these clinics, have phone consults with their pyhsicians, go to orientations, compare their success rates and ask my fellow SMC gals for advice and recommendations.  That's a lot of homework.  Ugh, very overwhelming.  And, there's always the chance that this final medicated cycle may take and I won't have to pursue any of the clinics.  How wonderful would that be?