Two weeks ago, I laid crying on an exam table, in a cold, sterile, lonesome room. Today, again, I found myself crying alone, but this time in my bathroom, sitting on my toilet, and crying for a very different reason.
Two Sundays ago, I visited Kaiser for insemination #8. The two follicles on my left ovary had grown to sufficient size, I had taken the trigger shot the night before and I was ready to go! After a long hiatus since insemination #7, I was super excited to try again! All the nervous excitement bubbling within felt similar to my very first time trying (oh so long ago).
When the deed was done however, after the doctor had performed the insemination and left the room, as I laid waiting, alone, by myself, I suddenly became aware of how different this time around felt. I felt truly alone. And I started to cry.
This was a surprise to me. I had been to inseminations alone before. Why should this occasion feel any different? After some reflection, I realized I was hanging on to the hope that I wouldn't have had to go through with #8. I had recently reconnected with the love of my life and I think there was a glimmer of hope that we would follow through with what we once spoke of - living together, getting married and having kids. Lying there on the table, 5696's sperm inside my body, reality hit. My prince charming wasn't going to barge through the door and stop the doc from proceeding.
As I laid there, for the suggested 20 minutes, my thoughts continued to focus on my solitude. My phone was not buzzing with texts, missed calls and messages. I didn't have a sistren in the room with me holding my hand. I was all alone.
I thought back to my first few inseminations - my sistrens shared in my excitement, texting me before each insemination, calling me to follow up after. Shoot, I even had two sistrens in the room with me at my last insemination! Now it was just me. I couldn't shake the feeling that this was old news for everyone. "Oh, there goes T trying to get pregnant again..."
I know much of this is all in my head. And, I know that I'm not the best at reaching out and asking for company. If I asked, I know my girls would be at my side. I guess I miss having my loved ones share in my excitement. I don't want to discount the loving and thoughtful texts I still get. Like I said, a lot of this is all in my head and I'm once again, grieving the thought of having to have a baby on my own. Nevertheless, I am still confident that this is my path.
Part of me feels horrible sharing this truth. I know that my sistrens love and support me. I still have sistrens who check in with me, reach out to me and offer their support. And still, it's different from one year ago.
So, as I laid there, legs propped up on the exam table, praying the little swimmers would meet their destination, tears streamed down my face. It was a strange mix of emotions, though. Yes, I was disappointed that I didn't have company and sad that rekindling an old romance was not going to happen. Though oddly, I was also elated. I was thrilled to be finally trying again! Number seven was way back in May - that felt ages ago! So, mixed in those tears of sorrow, were also droplets of relief, excitement and hope. A strange concoction of emotions.
Thankfully, after I released and had my moment on the hospital exam table, the next two weeks went by rather smoothly. This time around, my two week wait probably felt the longest ever. Partly because I went back to work and was putting in some really long days setting up my classroom. Sure there were a few stumbles along the way. Remember my co-worker who was pregnant with twins via InVitro, using donor sperm? Well, even though she's not teaching this year, she was on campus and I got to see just how big and beautiful she looked. Two days later I learned that another co-worker that I work closely with is pregnant and that a few others are trying with their partners. Oh how nice it must be to have a partner to give it a go with each month...
Truly, despite my sarcasm, I had a good two week wait. I felt positive, hopeful and open. I took care of myself going for long walks, visited my acupuncturist regularly, went to church to satisfy my spiritual self and even felt I was handling my first week back to school stress quite well. I must say, I was quite proud of myself. As the two weeks ended and my period hadn't shown up, I was feeling even more positive and hopeful.
As instructed, I headed into Kaiser for a blood test, exactly two weeks following the insemination. I was told to not use a home pregnancy test as the hormones I injected into my body may cause a false positive/negative reading. So, yesterday after church, a vial of my blood was taken at the laboratory. Which of course meant more waiting. I was told it would take 1-2 days to get the results. With Monday a holiday, who knows, maybe longer.
Well, turns out I won't have to wait for the results. This afternoon, as I sat on the toilet and peeled my pants down, I noticed the red stain. "Nooo," was all that I could say. "No, no, no." I didn't want to believe it was true. I felt the hope that kept me so uplifted the last two weeks inflate instantly. Crouched over, elbows propped on my knees, I cried into the palms of my hands. I could only repeat, "No, no, no..."
Frustration. Hurt. Rage. I let myself have my cry and pulled myself together as I was expecting company soon.
I am deflated. I keep seeing an image of a balloon full and afloat, and then slowly, yet steadily shrinking and shriveling. I am at a loss. I just don't know what to do. I don't even know my next steps. I was so hopeful that this was "it" that I didn't even consider next steps. In fact, I didn't even want to taint my mind with such thoughts and jinx myself.
Try again? Hormones? InVitro? Take a break? I just don't know...
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