It's All About Control

Smiley Face.  


Damn it!  


For the first time in six months, I cursed the smiley face glowing on my ovulation pee stick.  Ordinarily, I would've beamed as bright as the digital cheeky guy - his appearance meant that within hours I could proceed with operation Turkey Baste!  


This morning however, was another story.  This morning happened to be Saturday - a day in which my swimmers are locked behind closed doors, not to be reopened until Monday morning.  We all know what that means - no swimmers, no fertilization, no chance of pregnancy this month.  Damn!


After cursing the little guy and indignantly tossing him in the trash, I turned on myself.  I paced my apartment's floors spewing words of a truck driver, beating myself up over my decision to not pick up my swimmers yesterday afternoon.  Still, at this very moment, it makes me sick to my stomach that someone like me - Type A, freakishly organized, a planner, a note taker, a list maker - could possibly err on such a monumental move in this game.


How ever does a control freak like me screw this up?  By letting go of the reigns.  Even just a bit.  Yes, last month, this spirited and care-free girl frolicked playfully day after day, enjoying life's pleasures off of hormones.  I was reveling in a blissful state - free of mood swings, worry, fear and doubt.  Positivity, good vibes and a "let's go with the flow" attitude was on my side and led the way.


While I acknowledged my growth, praised my new attitude and gave myself the "thumb's-up", I failed to keep track of my cycle.  I was too busy patting myself on the back for a job well done, that I got lazy keeping a record of my temperature and was inconsistent when peeing on my ovulation sticks.  So inconsistent in fact, that I never discovered when I actually ovulated.  (Of course I had decided to not inseminate last month, though I knew it would be best to keep a record of what day I ovulated, as that could help to predict next month's day of ovulation.)


So much for letting go and giving up control.  I totally screwed myself.  It was my lackadaisy attitude that convinced myself to not stop off at the clinic to pick up my swimmers, before heading over the bridge for a show.  Leave work on time (unheard of), drive 25 miles, fight rush hour traffic - "Nah, too much!" - my new and improved free-spirited mind told me.  "Don't worry," "You won't ovulate over the weekend!" it continued to chime.


Well, mind and body were clearly not aligned and in balance as of 8am this morning.  While my mind convinced me yesterday to keep driving and pass the clinic, my body decided that today, Saturday, Day #13 of my cycle, would be the day to ovulate.  Great, just great!  So, there goes this month.  As I sit on the couch doing the ugly cry, my little guys are hanging out, frozen behind sealed doors on DeHaro Street, while my egg most likely travels its lonesome journey through one of my fallopian tubes.  


At the end of the day, I still am a firm believer that "everything happens for a reason."  I know, just as with the previous five attempts, that the timing is just not right.  Creator doesn't want me to get pregnant this month.  She has something else in store for me.  Yeah, yeah, same story; different month.  It's getting old and I know it's still the truth.  I accept it and I'm still pissed, frustrated and uttering profanity from under my breath.


I'm sure there is a significant lesson somewhere in this all.  I wait and listen to discover what meaning is to come of this botched step of the journey.  There have been several mini-lessons along the way.  What I have learned thus far is that I do prefer to proceed without hormones.  I've learned that off of the hormones, my cycle is 28 days opposed to 31 and that I ovulate much earlier.  


Most importantly, I've realized I need to find a balance between manipulation and fluidity. Early in the game, I discovered that having rigid control creates stress and emotional let-downs.  Just recently however, I've learned that completely letting go may also lead to emotional let-downs and missed opportunities.  


Getting pregnant in this manner requires some control. I truly have a narrow window of opportunity to get pregnant each month - timing is essential - and there are so many variables that need to be tended to and considered.  So...whereas I know I need to let go and try not to control every step, at the same time, it is vital that I maintain a reasonable amount of control in order to not miss another opportunity.


In the words of the beautifully talented Janet Jackson - 


This is a story about control, my control

Control of what I say, control of what I do

And this time I'm gonna do it my way

I hope you enjoy this as much as I do

Are we ready? I am? Cause it's all about control

And I've got lots of it