To Date or Not to Date...that is the question.

Dating whilst actively trying get pregnant. 

Can it be done?  Should it be done?  How is it done?

These are the ponderings that pester and the moral questions that rudely invade my conscience in recent days.  

"Can it done?"  Yes, of course.  "Can" simply determines whether one has the ability to carry out a physical or mental task.  Sure, I can date.  In other words, yes, I have the ability to date.  It's like when a kid asks you, "Can I go to the bathroom?"  "Well, I don't know can you?"

Now, the next question:  "Should it be done?"

A year ago, when I decided to have a baby on my own, I answered "no" to this question.  I signed a personal, mental contract with myself.  I pledged to swear off men and relationships.  It needed to be done.  Dating and meeting someone new would only complicate my situation. 

I gave myself time to grieve.  I allowed myself to be sad, disappointed, upset.  In the end, having a baby was more important than having a partner....So, it was settled - NO MEN!

It wasn't too difficult.  Look the other way, don't take an interest, turn down opportunities.  Kinda bitchy, yes.  But really, I didn't want to get involved for fear of falling for someone and delaying my baby progress.  My mind was made up.  Operation Spirit Baby was to embark after returning from Indonesia - my final "hurrah" before motherhood.

As the Universe would have it, the mission was sabotaged, literally, the day after I returned home from Indonesia.  Isn't it always the case - once you stop looking, the men appear out of nowhere.  Perhaps it was my glowing tan and super relaxed, worry-free spirit, or maybe it was simply my "uninterest" in men that made me ooze confidence.  Who knows.  Whatever it was, I managed to attract a tall, dark, sexy man, who sauntered off a stage, slow danced the night away with me, and telephoned late the same evening to giggle and chat with me like high school kids till the wee hours of the morn.  

Two weeks after our first "date", Operation Spirit Baby proceeded as scheduled - I underwent my first insemination.  And so it went - emails, texts, surprise phone calls, a couple of detours to visit me before heading to LA from NY - all the while clocking in to inseminate each month.  

Honestly, after visit #1, I wasn't putting money down that there would be another. The distance, situation, his career - they all appeared to be hurdles.  But visit #2 came just in time for my birthday and visit #3 less than a month later - the days in between visits shorter and shorter each time.

Dating?  Um, no.  Given the circumstances - living on opposite coasts, rendezvous-ing perhaps once a month, spending brief moments of our lives together - this "relationship" can't be coined, in my opinion,  "dating."  Therefore, no contracts broken.

What has surfaced as a result of these "visits" however, are feelings associated with dating and forlorn puppy love.  And they suck.  

I've managed to fall into a pitiful pattern after each visit.  Sad, lonely, vacant.  Sharing my space, enjoying the company of another, having someone to cozy up with - they've all triggered me to remember what dating and relationship life is like.  And I miss it.  

I miss having a partner.  I miss waking up next to someone.  I miss "getting" someone and someone who "gets" me.  I miss the companionship, love and attention.  Heck, I'll say it, I miss the sex!  

This longing made me wonder, for the first time along my journey - am I headed down the right path?  If I miss a partner and relationship so much, have I truly made the right decision???  

Over the weekend, that very question gave me a tremendous amount of anxiety.  Wow, the panic.  To doubt for the first time, a decision that took an extraordinary amount of time to accept, execute and follow through with - can you imagine?  Golly, I was a wreck. 

It wasn't until my dear sistrens reminded me of the power of "AND," that I realized the possibilities.  All this time, along my journey, I've been telling myself I can have only one or the other - "You can either pursue a relationship or have a baby."  Well, why not both?  I'll admit, at first, yes, it sounds preposterous.  (That's exactly why I swore to not date in the first place).  Though, why should I ASSume that I won't find companionship or even love while trying to get pregnant...or even while I am pregnant?  Worked for J.Lo in the Backup Plan, didn't it? hehe

Ok, ok, this isn't Hollywood.  Perhaps meeting and committing to someone while trying to get pregnant may be a bit far fetched...AND...it is still a possibility. 

So, I suppose I am breaking my contract.  I'm going to allow myself to be open to the possibility of dating.  I'm not saying I'm going to join match.com or post an ad in the personals, I'm simply revoking the pledge I made to myself.  I am allowing myself to be open to possibilities.

Now, finally, for the last question..."How should it be done?"  

I have absolutely no idea.  One day at a time, I suppose.  I find myself slowly getting into my analytical head again.  As I daydream and hang on to the lingering memory of visit #3 and anticipate whether there will be a visit #4, I begin to wonder..."Should I tell him?"  If yes, when?  If I do, will I see him again?  Do I want to risk not seeing him again?  Or do I want to take the risk to find out if he is my Back Up Plan???  

Oh, geesh, the mind is a creature of its own!  Rest, dear brain, rest.  I promise to take these next steps one at a time.  I promise to do my best surrendering to the possibilities!