DIY!

"Always wear insulated gloves and protective eye wear when opening the tank or handling specimens."

Yikes!  What have I gotten myself into!? 

As I read step #2, explaining how to remove my swimmers from their cozy tank, I began to second guess my decision to perform my own "Do-It-Yourself" home insemination.

The decision to home turkey baste actually fell into place for a number of reasons.  First, I happened to ovulate on a Sunday.  Kaiser takes the day of from inseminations on Sundays and the following Monday was a holiday.  Next, when I called the sperm bank to place and order for my NEW donor's specimens, I was told that most of his IUI vials were in quarantine until March.  By protocol, all specimens are held in quarantine for six months before being made available to women.  By doing so, the bank is able to test the quality of the sperm and verify that the lil guys are STD and HIV free.  

Donor 5696 had only one IUI vial (the kind used by the docs), though he had a handful of ICI vials (the do-it-yourself kind), so I snagged one of each.  Guess my new guy may be quite popular with the ladies???  I'm certainly a fan!

After my disappointment with 6310 - the four failed attempts and his photograph not living up to my fantasy image - I opted to change donors.  I ordered two videos and one photograph of potential donor replacements.  I'm SO thankful I did so, as I wasn't impressed with one video and horrified with the photograph.  Fortunately, however, I was pleasantly surprised with 5696's interview!

Very few donors have videos available, so this was a real treat!  Though 5696 didn't quite meet my clipboard criteria - being a few inches shy of 6' and having geeky computer interests -   I absolutely fell in love with his words and simply adore him!  He's definitely not a Chip-n-Dale hunk, nor does he have the swag of LL Cool J.  I probably wouldn't be drawn to him in a crowded room either.  Watching his relaxed, easy-going composure however, and listening to his gentle, soft-spoken words, I found myself sighing heavily and and saying, "AWWWW!"  Total teddy-bear quality!  

What sealed the deal for me was his response to the interviewer when he was asked if he had any words for the families he help to create.  Sweetly, he expressed that he hoped everyone was happy, and that hopefully the families were a "little brown."  That made me giggle!  He went onto explain that he hopes to see more mixed-racial families, like himself (He's Japanese and African-American).  Right there!  That's what got me!  Having a multi-racial baby, like myself, was one of my #1 desires.  To hear that he too appreciated, valued and honored families of mix race, that closed the deal for me!

So, my first date with 5696 turned out to be a late night rendez-vous, starting off in the kitchen and ending in the bedroom;)  Initially, I had planned to have the sistrens over and make the whole deal a family affair, but when I got home late Saturday night and peed on a stick, the lil smiley guy beamed up at me.  I figured I'd go ahead and get started since I had a lot going on the next day and didn't think I'd have an opportunity to lay down for two hours after the deed, like the directions indicated.

The nice thing about this date was that I got to stay in my pj's and I didn't need to fuss with my hair or make-up!  I did however, need "insulated gloves and protective eye wear."  Hmm, where was I gonna get lab equipment at 1 o'clock in the morning???  I had to settle on the closest alternatives - my $40 eyeglasses purchased on the street corner in Indonesia and the striped, cotton pair of gloves I picked up at Target for 2 bucks.  I was quite the spectacle in my pj's, robe, and gloves!

Once I was in my protective gear, I sliced through the packaging tape that sealed the box closed, lifted the styrofoam padding off the top and gawked at the metal container nestled at the bottom box, wedged between foam padding.  It appeared to be a small, slender helium tank or some kind of torpedo that may be launched from a submarine.  I was to "lift the canister slowly" and warned in dark bold letters, "Do not Twist!"  (Exclamation point included!)  Yikes, maybe it would self destruct!?

Slowly and steadily, I lifted the tank by its handle, straight up and out of the box, twice its height.  I gently set it down on the tiled kitchen floor, read the directions for the 15th time, cut open the zip tie and caressingly opened the lid.  As I did so, creamy white vapor came seeming out, reminding me of creepy Halloween fog or the cheesy smoke that chokes you at a middle school dance.

I let the little puffs of smoke rise and looked into the dark, narrow opening of the tank, only about two inches in diameter.  I can't see down to the bottom as the mini tunnel is dark and swirling gases lie lazily at the bottom.  Step #6 says I am to pull up on the "cane" to remove the specimen form the canister.  Hooked over the side I notice a thin metal candy cane that I presume is the "cane."  With a gloved finger, I quickly tap the metal cane to see if it's too cold to handle.  My finely insulated gloves tell me that it's safe to pull up on the device.

Carefully, I pull up on the metal cane and hanging at its bottom are my two vials of swimmers, stacked on top of each other, in a metal holder, attached to the cane.  I understand now, they were simply secured by the cane, suspended in the freezing cold abyss.  They are hissing and sparking little cracks and pops.  Thawing Step #2 says to place the specimen on a counter top for one minute to allow the hissing sound to stop.  Ok, sounds like a good idea.  

Holding the little firecracker far away from my body, I carefully stand the vials, still in their holder, on the counter top.  I turn to prepare the lil guys bath.  I fill a cereal bowl with warm water and take out a sandwich sized zip-lock baggie.  After the hissing stops, I pick up the metal holder and try to remove the vial labeled "ICI."  It won't budge.  I try several more times, and start to get discouraged.  I don't want to tug too hard or hold on too long for fear of burning my fingers on the dry ice particles still visible on the containers.  I summon up my courage and on the fifth try, pry the vial off its holder.  Yay, success!

I place the miniature vial, not more than an inch in height and a pinky width in diameter, in the zip-lock bag and submerge the bag and vial in the bowl of hot water.  While the lil guys warm and wake up from their cryogenic freeze, I return the second IUI vial to the canister for safe keeping.  I lower the vial and cane back into the swirly gasses, seal the lid and place the tank bank into the padded box.  I wasn't given an extra zip-tie to hold the tank's lid in place, so I make a mental note to drive the tank carefully back to the lab.   

I allow 10 minutes to pass before removing the vial from the water and bag.  It is no longer cool to the touch, telling me that it is safe to carry on to the next step.  I gently tilt the vial back and forth and rotate it between my fingers to mix the specimen well.  After this little massage, with the steady fingers of a CSI lab technician, I unscrew the cap and let it rest on the counter top.  I have horrible fleeting thoughts of the vial tipping over and the sperm spilling over the counter top and on to the floor.

I chase the thought away, remove the plastic syringe from its wrapping and submerge it cautiously into the vial.  Pulling back on the plunger I draw the semen into the syringe.  Immediately, I turn the syringe over so that its nozzle points to the ceiling, hoping to not dribble and loose a few million sperm.  I feel like a nurse ready to give an injection.

It's sexy time!  I retire to the bedroom and climb into bed.  There are a mere two steps to the insemination; rather clear and concise, compared to the six steps to remove the vials from the tank and the eight steps of thawing.  Nope, these last two steps are plain and simple - insert syringe, push plunger in releasing sperm, and lay down!  The syringe was much smaller than the syringes used at the doctor's office, did not have a catheter and was much like inserting a narrow tampon. 

And the deed is done!  That's it!  No true turkeybaster was used at any point during the procedure.  Sorry to disappoint!  I fell fast asleep and when I woke the next morning, I cleaned up the evidence on the bed stand and in the kitchen-lab.  Got another week to wait until I know whether 5696 and I hit it off.  Will keep you all posted!