Well, I'm slowly creeping out of hiding since Wednesday's disappointing results. Yes, that's right, no baby. I woke Wednesday morning restless with anticipation. I had had odd dreams involving flying creepy crawlers and hadn't had the best night's sleep. Nevertheless, I rolled over, pounded the blaring alarm clock, and reached for the thermometer. 98.0, still in the higher range - a good sign.
I hustled out of bed, bypassed the bathroom and went straight for my altar. I lit a few candles, had a moment of prayer - a prayer for hope, patience and understanding should the results not be in my favor. On to the bathroom...
I wrestled open the foil wrapper of one of the pregnancy tests thoughtfully given to me wrapped in pretty paper with a big white bow, a few nights ago by one of my bestest friends. Took a seat on the toilet, counted to three as the pee ran over and down the test strip, and placed it on the sink counter top to wait for the results.
I went about my morning for the next three minutes...made my bed and fed Spikey, all the while, my hands trembling. With a sense of trepidation, I slowly made my way back to the bathroom. I could hardly take the final steps into the bathroom, nervous with anticipation, fear and excitement. The mixture of emotions were surreal.
Before making it all the way to the sink counter top, I spied from above, the dreaded single pink line. My heart dropped. Without thinking, I grabbed for the instructions resting by the box. 5 seconds! Oh gosh, I peed for only three! Wait, can two seconds really make a difference? Doubt it...but, hey, why not?
Repeat. Do over. In the back of my mind I knew it was a long shot. But hey, I had another box of pregnancy tests under the sink. Yay, maybe it was a good idea to try another brand! Three minutes later, the results were confirmed - no baby. I was devastated. With a loud "clang" I threw the two tests into my stainless steel wastebasket. On with my morning...
Then came the first text....and then for the next hour, more. My sistrens sending their love, thoughts and prayers. As much as I appreciated their sentiments, I wanted it all to stop. Every time I read their texts, my eyes welled up. I couldn't respond to them. It was almost as if by tapping the letters and sending the words made it all too real and vivid. I hadn't accepted it yet...I hadn't dealt with it yet...I just couldn't respond...I needed time.
I hurriedly got dressed, packed my lunch and hopped into the car. I just wanted to get to work. Work, my haven. Once there, I knew I could escape the reality of it all. I would easily get engrossed in the day, tend to my kids and duties and forget about the single pink lines.
When I didn't respond to the texts, the calls came in. I considered turning off my phone...each sound of the text alert or the phone ringing triggered the tears. At the same time, I needed to know that my sistrens were thinking of me and I was in their prayers. Soon enough, I made it to work. Turned the phone off, tossed it in my purse and shoved it in my desk drawer. Relief. The only bell I wanted to hear now was the school bell starting the day.
At the end of the day, more texts and messages awaited my reply. Again the tears. Ugh. I went straight home. I showered, washed the day off and had a glass of wine. Might as well, I had avoided alcohol for the last two weeks - I deserved it! I curled up under a blanket on the couch, caught up on past Oprahs and CSI's, all the while avoiding the calls, texts, messages, emails, and Facebook alerts.
For the most part, this continued for the next few days. Like Pavlov's dog, I was triggered every time I heard my phone, listened to messages or read the texts. I felt horrible not responding. I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it. It was easier to go into hiding, avoid reality and prepare myself for round two.
After spending much time alone, getting lots of rest and treating myself to a massage, mani and pedi, I am slowly coming out of hiding. I admit, I still haven't had the ugly cry yet and I know it's inevitable. I'm just tormented by having to deal with the emotions and at the same time, staying positive and focused to prepare myself for this month's insemination. So, I guess I'm at a cross between a cry and a cheer...
To all those who prayed for me, sent their love, tried to contact me, my apologies. I love and appreciate you all.
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