Stuck in a Rut

December 7, 2010. 

The eve of my 35th birthday. 

Single, childless, with two unsuccessful IUI attempts; not exactly where I expected, wanted or hoped to be - at any point in my life. 

Yes, that's right, two unsuccessful attempts.  As with Round 1, Round 2 did not take.  Somehow, even before the dreaded "test" day, I knew I wasn't pregnant.  Of course, there was a smidgen of hope, though 98% of me pretty much knew I wasn't pregnant.  Not sure how I knew, I just did.

Maybe it was the absence of any "different" symptoms during my two week hiatus.  Like the previous month, I felt crampy, bloated and my daily temperatures were frighteningly similar.  Clearly, now I see they were all signs of PMS, not pregnancy.  Never before in my life, have I been so in tune with my menstrual cycle.  

Physical symptoms aside, instinctively, I knew only one pink line would appear on test day.  When my instincts proved correct, I didn't hesitate this time to toss the pregnancy stick in the trash.  No second try, no "do over," no need to reread the directions, no leaving it on the counter just a little longer (just in case that second line needed just a few more seconds to appear.)  No, in my gut I knew.

And maybe that's why it didn't happen this time.  Too many doubts.  Too much negativity, perhaps.  After all, I entered Round Two with a different attitude and different perspective than the bright, cheery person who underwent Round 1.  This time around, I kept the whole procedure on the down-low, told only those who asked and held fewer expectations in regards to the outcome.  My reasoning?  Well, plainly, if I expect less, I won't be as disappointed when the outcome is not desirable.  Crappy attitude, I know.

Oddly - and sadly - the philosophy somewhat worked.  After tossing that test stick in the trash, I went about my morning just like any other.  Fed and walked Spikey, got dressed and went to work.  No texts to answer, no calls to avoid, no wiping tears from my eyes to see the road clearly.  It wasn't possible for my emotions to come crashing down as they did the first time around...simply because I didn't allow myself to get close to that heightened state.

Where am I now?  Stuck in a rut...still.  I don't know how to feel.  I don't want to be uber positive like I was in Round 1, and at the same time, I hate putting out negative energy into the world.  I'm protecting myself from being hurt and disappointed again, and at the same time, I'm hindering my mental and spiritual beings by not staying true and having faith.  I'm teetering at both ends of extreme emotions.  Where is the balance?  Where is the happy medium?

If the happy medium is out there, I haven't found it yet.  Right now, I suppose I am a "sad" medium.  I am sad, on this eve of my 35th birthday, though I still know that this is my true path.  As clear as it was the day I realized this would be my journey, I know today, that despite all the pain and grief, I am on the right path. 

The overwhelming sense of relief I felt the day I accepted my unorthodox decision, made the world around me so crystal clear.  It was as if I had been born again and seeing everything for the first time.  Cheesy, I know.  Though really, I can't recall a moment in my life in which I had felt so positive that I was making the right decision.  There wasn't a doubt in my mind...

...which honestly, makes me quite ashamed that I would now harbor any doubts throughout this pregnancy.

Wow.  A break through.  Have a found my happy medium after all?